Anyways, those of you who know me know that we're half way through our second deployment and getting closer to the finish line with every passing minute! I get messages on a weekly basis from girlfriends and wives asking how I handle it (or if I have any advice to make things easier) so I thought I'd blog about it :)
1. Make the best of it. Deployment dates move, homecoming times change, missions are run constantly, communication isn't guaranteed, the distance is draining, and if you have kids it's exhausting being super woman from sun up to sun down. You can either find the positives and laugh about the chaos or you might want to go ahead and get some anxiety medication now.
2. Date your spouse again. Seriously... who has this opportunity? My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and when he's home daily, like most couples, we can find some pretty insignificant things to fight about haha. When he's gone, we argue about who loves the other one more. You know, like those obnoxious couples who have been dating for like 10 minutes and think their SO is flawless? Yep, that's us and it's fabulous! Your relationship becomes completely verbal and instead of showing how much you love one another with a kiss, hug, etc.. you have to take the time to say it and explain it. Don't waste the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse.
3. Don't become a nonproductive hermit. That means, don't become so lost in your own little world and stressed out that you never leave your house and never socialize. That is a recipe for insanity. Stay busy with your kids, your girlfriends, your family, school, anything. You are not an extension of your spouse, you are your own person and you will survive on your own. Independence is a great quality and a necessary one in this life. And also, stay on a schedule. It's hard when you're up all day with you kids and then stay up all night because that's when your spouse can talk, but resist the urge to shift your entire life to Afghanistan time. Keep your kid's routine and don't change their life anymore than it needs to be. You're just setting yourself up for a battle when your husband gets home and suddenly things change all over again. Invest in strong coffee and make it work.
4. Make time for yourself & ask for help. I am about as obsessed with my kid as they get. I practically worship the ground her chubby whittle feet walk on and I have no shame. So, I totally understand the whole "can't be without my baby or I might die" thing. It's a little crazy, but I get it. The thing is, you can't live like that for a year. Technically you can, but why the heck would you? Your baby won't miss you (sad isn't it?) and you won't die without 'em (promise)! Even if it's just an hour to clean the house, take an exam, or grocery shop in complete peace. You need some time without your little darlings and with your sanity.
5. DO NOT WATCH THE NEWS. Why did I put this in caps? It might be my most valuable piece of advice. The news will freak you out, it will send you into full on panic attacks, and it will fill your head with the worst of what's going on where ever your spouse is. Avoid it like the commissary on pay day.
6. Take pre-deployment pictures. Firstly, I am the queen of pictures. My house might as well be wallpapered in a photo shrine to us. You don't have to go that overboard, but this is what you're going to have to look at for the next 9-12+ months. These are what your kids are going to get to see around the house and remember their normal lives by. God forbid ANYTHING were to ever happen...wouldn't you want those last family photos? They don't have to be professional or expensive, just get our your camera and get to snappin'.
7. Buy wine in bulk. Okay, this is a joke. Well, sort of. Basically, get a guilty pleasure. When I've had a long day or my princess is being less than perfect after bedtime I like to settle in with a glass of wine, something ridiculously fattening, and a cheesy Netflix series (think Gossip Girl).
8. Do little things in advance to make your life easier: Organize, plan, pre-make meals, automatic bill pay, etc. My favorite thing that falls in this category is the crock pot haha. Think this..you've had the day from hell, you've got errands to run, you have a class assignment you need to work on, you just realized you're out of "insert something super important here" which includes the joyous task of lugging your baby in and out of the carseat, and just when you're positive you can't stretch yourself any thinner - you have a hungry baby that wants dinner. And she wants her dinner right.this.second. You can either pop open a can of spaghettio's and admit defeat, slave over a hot stove thinking about the 50 other things you need to be doing, or you could have thrown some homemade deliciousness in a crock pot that morning and just be responsible serving the meal & washing one dish afterward. That's the real kicker... ONE DISH. Doesn't get better that that, it just doesn't. But anyways, this whole paragraph wasn't supposed to be about a crock pot haha. Take one day a week to prep & make your life easier on the day to day. You'll appreciate it on the days where it feels like everything is going wrong.
9. Make a countdown/Set a goal. Obviously you're going to make a countdown until homecoming day, but spend that time trying to reach a goal too! This deployment my goal is to get back in shape. Help the time pass by without just yearning to see your spouse. I think of it like, holy crap! I only have 'x' amount of weeks before I'm going to be naked in crappy apartment lighting haha ;)
10. Be someone you'd want to be friends with or would want to be married to. This isn't all about you. Be supportive when your husband is grumpy after working 15 hours for 15 days in a row. Don't spend every minute whining about how hard your life is without so much as asking how your friends are doing. Be extra patient when your kid starts acting out after daddy leaves. Don't let deployment turn you into someone that you don't know and especially someone you don't like.
:)
11. Keep your spouse connected: They are away from family, friends, their home... everything they know and love. I take at LEAST one picture of our daughter a day and usually a video a week. No amount of photos is going to make him any less heartbroken that he can't watch her grow in person, but they help. We make chalk board updates and all sorts of little special things! If I were the one gone I would expect the same from him. And don't just stop at the kiddo's, stay connected with your spouse too! Romantic emails, Skype dates without roommates/babies, pictures, etc.
12. Dress to impress for homecoming. This is a personal opinion... but nothing makes me more irritated than seeing someone in sweats/pajamas at a homecoming ceremony. This sounds like common sense, but you'd be surprised how many people show up like that... I'd guess half. Your spouse has been gone for 9-12+ months and all they've thought about is being home with you. Are you really telling me that you can't spend 30 minutes getting ready? I mean I know, I know.. the typical excuse is "My husband loves me the way I am." Well that's great and all, but I bet your husband would feel pretty special if you WANTED to get all done up and give him something pretty to come home to. Just a thought :-)
13. And lastly Don't become a statistic. The amount of marriages that fail during a deployment are unreal. People do things they aren't supposed to, don't make time for one another, and just neglect their marriages as a whole. When you're dealing with two people who are both incredibly stressed out & miles apart with no end in sight that kind of stuff will happen. Deployments aren't for the weak, work to be the exception. Work to be the giddy people who are fighting over who loves one another more. Work on it when you don't feel like working on it, and talk about stuff when you don't feel like talking about it. And not to get biblical… but remember that we're all human and we all sin. It's till death do you part, not until circumstance/mistakes/hard times/neglect do you part. Learn to forgive and learn to love your spouse like God loves you, unconditionally and without fail.
Hope someone gets some use out of these! I'm going to start vlogging again super soon! So stay on the look out!
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